Guide · By Single 60s
Dating after losing a spouse
Wanting company again does not mean you have stopped loving the person you lost.
Is it all right to date after your husband or wife dies?
Yes. There is no correct waiting time after losing a spouse: the right moment is when you find yourself wanting company for its own sake, not to fill a silence. Start slowly, perhaps with friendship, be honest with anyone you meet about where you are, and let your family know in your own time.
Grief doesn't follow a timetable, and it doesn't end on a date. Many widows and widowers carry their loss for the rest of their lives and still find room for someone new. Loving again is not a betrayal of a long marriage; for many people it reflects how much that marriage taught them about sharing a life.
How soon is too soon to date after losing a spouse?
Only you can answer that, and other people's opinions, however well meant, are guesses. Some find they're ready within the first year or two, especially after a long illness during which much of the grieving happened beforehand. Others wait far longer, and some never want romance again but would welcome a friend for outings.
A few honest questions can help you tell where you are:
- Could you spend an afternoon with someone new without comparing them, out loud, to your late partner?
- Are you looking for a person, or for the feeling of not being alone in the house?
- Would a date that went nowhere leave you disappointed, or devastated?
If the answers worry you, there's no harm in waiting. Joining a club or volunteering can bring company in the meantime, and our guide to where singles over 60 meet has ideas that don't involve dating at all.
Why do I feel guilty about dating again?
Guilt often turns up the moment a widow or widower first thinks about someone new. It can come from loyalty, from worry about what people will think, or simply from enjoying yourself for the first time in a long while and being surprised by it.
It may help to ask what your husband or wife would have wanted for you. Many couples, over a long marriage, talked about this and hoped the other wouldn't be lonely. Feeling guilty doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong. It usually fades as a new friendship becomes its own thing rather than a replacement for the old one.
If grief is making ordinary days very hard, talking to your doctor or a bereavement counselor is a sensible step before, or alongside, meeting anyone new.
How do you tell your adult children you're dating?
Grown children react in every possible way. Some are relieved and encouraging. Others are protective, or feel it's too soon, because they are grieving a parent and you are grieving a spouse, and the two losses are not the same.
Tell them yourself, before they hear it from someone else, and keep it simple: you're lonely at times, you've met someone you enjoy spending time with, and it doesn't change what their mother or father meant to you. You don't need their permission, but their understanding is worth working for. Give them time, and introduce a new partner only once things are settled enough to be worth it.
What should you tell a new partner about your late spouse?
The truth, in small pieces. Say early on that you're widowed, how long you were married, and that you're ready to meet someone. A new partner needs to know your spouse is part of your story without feeling they're competing with a memory.
Photos on the mantelpiece, an anniversary you still mark, a favorite song that brings tears: these are normal, and a kind partner will understand them. Talk about them openly when they come up rather than hiding them.
How can you take it slowly?
Online dating lets you set the pace. On Single 60s you can say you're looking for friendship rather than romance, message for as long as you like before meeting, and block anyone who pushes. Members see only your username and nearest town or city. The site is for adults 18+ and made for the over 60s, an age when losing a partner is part of many people's lives.
When you do meet, make it a coffee in daylight. Our first date ideas are all gentle ones. And because grief can make anyone more trusting, read our guide to romance scams before you start: anyone who asks for money is not the person they seem. More guides for this stage of life are on the articles page.
Questions widows and widowers ask
Should I take off my wedding ring before dating?
That's a personal choice. Some people move it to the other hand or wear it on a chain, which can make a new person feel more at ease.
Should I mention being widowed on my profile?
Yes, in a line. It explains your situation and draws people who understand it. Our profile tips show how to phrase it.
What if I'm only ready for friendship?
Say so. Friendship is one of the choices when you set up a profile, so anyone suggested to you will know where you stand.
Company, at your own pace
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